After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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