So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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