I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Randomize
