I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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