Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
