Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
