yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
