You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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