I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
