it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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