I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
