I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
We are all done wearing pants today
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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