Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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