I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I have feelings that need drinking.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
