I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
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