I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
