Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
