just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
