i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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