3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Randomize
