no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Randomize
