Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
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