Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Randomize
