you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
