onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
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