im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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