Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
