Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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