My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
the day after is always just damage control
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
