I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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