If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
That accounts for only three of the penises
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
