Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
