I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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