Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
