I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
