Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
