Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
