i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
