Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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