My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
