is your mom at the bar?
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
