I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
