Need sex. Gaining weight.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
