dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I supernannyed him into submission
Randomize
