I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
