Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
