im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
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