why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
