I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Say something about gay babies.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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