never play flip cup with pint glasses
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
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